Why is winter so damn hard?
For me at least. I actually LIKE snow - I LOVE skiing and figure skating. I chose to be married in winter, aesthetically it just seemed right with all the snow and whiteness; lots of heavy silk and floaty tuille just seemed to make sense in winter. Each year, we go on a family ski vacation, most of the time someplace out west, and each year, it is the BEST week of my life. I never wake up in the morning and dread putting on my layers of ski clothes and heading up the mountain. Granted, the atmosphere is different out west in the mountains. Far less humidity, far stronger sunlight. Plus, there's all that nature - huge open bright blue skies, the smell of trees, the sound of snow crunching or flattening or flying, depending on what you happen to be doing with your skis at any given moment.
But then there's New York City in winter. Sure, there's the occasional uplifting moment - passing by the tree in Rockefeller Center on the way home from Mars 2112, walking through the holiday markets in Bryant Park and Grand Central on the way to or from Yoga Sutra, the smell of my dog's fur after he's been outside in the brisk air. But mostly, it is pretty gray here. And it just feels COLDER when you're surrounded by behemoth towers of brick and stone. The city is the COLOR of cold. My fingers feel dry. My joints feel stiff.
My inclination is to sit on a comfortable overstuffed chair, curled up with my laptop , a steaming hot cup of coffee and a blueberry scone. I don't WANT to battle the subway, despite the new "good manners rules" that are being enforced, starting today in NYC. Don't ask me HOW they are being enforced. But from now on, don't even THINK about giving your backpack a seat on the subway. YAY!! I am not sure, but I am hoping that one of the rules is, "If you're a guy, you are NOT allowed to spread your legs really really wide so that no one can sit next to you." And I don't feel like battling heavy traffic on the FDR Drive just to get to the shala late, where I am not learning any new poses anyway, or getting deeper in any of the poses I am already doing because I am getting precious few assists in those poses. And then at the strike of 10:30, I am to start finishing poses, even though the shala is open for another half hour.
I am just not sure this is working out right now, which makes me feel really sad. Based on aGood and Bad Reasons for Believing analyis, it seems that I have the authority of tradition and my own (infrequent) revelations, but I am seriously lacking in real life evidence that the withholding of poses and the imposition of so many rules that I can't even keep track of them actually makes sense for me, is actually a reasonable way for me to practice. Well, actually, I DO have evidence that holding back brings progress - Mari C is only happening because it was my "peak" pose for so long. That worked well. But now, there seems to be some magic that must happen before I can be taught Mari D, and that is just not making sense to me at all.
I wish I could ask my teacher. But I don't feel comfortable with that. When I try to talk to him, he tells me I talk too much. I don't feel comfortable with that much mystery and aloofness.
Part of me wants to be comfortable with it, to push myself to be what I am not. But part of me wants to just accept who I am and find a system that feels like a better fit for me. What would that system be? One in which there can be a dialogue about when it is time to get a new pose. That would be a good start. One which does not involve the Catch-22 of "If you want a new pose, then you are not ready for a new pose." If the system were not designed to progress in a linear fashion, then I could understand a statement like, "It need to not care what pose you are on and just practice where you are." But the system IS a linear progression, and we all see what comes next, and we all want to try it. Our bodies CRAVE it. Way before our egos crave it, I think our bodies crave it.
Such a rant. I am wondering if I should hit publish and wait for the fur to fly. Or perhaps I should just keep this to myself. But that would be a lie. Living a lie. Not easy. I am doubting. I am thinking. So, why pretend it is otherwise?
But what to do about practicing right now? I still respect the system, essentially. I still want to practice Ashtanga. But I want to do it in a way that doesn't create MORE tension for me. And right now, I am at a loss for where and how to do that.
YC
9 comments:
hi lauren, i have been reading your blog lately and still wonder if astanga is for you, the way you question and almost fight the system, makes me wonder.
ivdp
Hi Lauren,
Perhaps ashtanga isn't for you... really, reading your blog, I think the answer is you do think too much. I can see this because I do it too. I have hard a hard time stopping not because I know the "deliciousness" of the rest of my practice but just because it is a fine line between recovery and non recovery. I'm trying to figure out what my practice is anymore. That said, sure I know what the next pose is and I don't want it! :) In fact, I'm about to blog about that today. I really do believe the "want for the next" pose has nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the ego. That isn't to say that we aren't trying in the poses that we have... do you mean that you find no challenge in your current practice up to Mari C? Can you do the fancy jump throughs and transitions which may people who are physically more able do to make the practice more challenging? Ashtanga is not about the physical practice and there are many things perhaps your teacher is looking for in you. I know that just because I could probably physically do a pose doesn't mean my teacher will give it to me. Part of it is letting go of your compulsion to analyze, to want and even to want to understand. Said with nothing but compassion in the heart, I think the answer for you is pretty black and white... you either say to yourself "I'm going to do this and I'm not going to think on it." Or you decide to practice some other form of yoga.
I hear you I hear you. I know you are right! It's like when you're in therapy, and you stop wanting to go just when you are starting to uncover the important stuff.
I am practicing alone today and then back at the shala tomorrow.
This is a good example of me standing in my own way, and I am not going to do it. I needed a reality check, so thanks for it!!!
Lauren
That which makes us the most uncomfortable, the most angry and the most fearful has the ability to teach us the most. If you are fighting so hard this tradition, it is probably the lotus unfolding... just relax and everytime one of those doubts creeps up, everytime you think "I should really try Mari D" "Why aren't I being given the next pose" remember that that's your fear/ego/analytical self talking... the beauty is in the recognition of it and the ability to then let it go..that's the practice.
YC
The practice remains the same. Day in. Day out. What changes,(or not) is you.
Perhaps you need to practice another form of yoga. All yoga is good. Ashtanga is a set series of postures. Given one asana at a time. Six days a week. With a teacher if possible.
Or not. But don't go to a traditional ashtanga shala expecting those teachers to teach you YOUR WAY. It is not the YC method. Downtown/uptown yoga is the YC method:)
This method has worked a long time for a lot of people. Sir is not being mean to you.
He is teaching as he has been taught. It has worked for him. That is why we teach--to transmit a method that that changed our lives. Well it saved my life. And learning the practice this way was the ONLY way I could have learned it.
And it may not work for you.
You have access at Yoga Sutra to someone that can explain it all to you. Perhaps it is being explained and you don't want to hear it. So you look elsewhere. I guess when you find a teacher that gives you handstands you will be fine. And if that is what you need right now--cool. But not from any tradtional ashtanga teacher.
Show up. And practice. Or not.
As kind and generous as teachers may be, you need to show up for a year before you start learning.
It is YOUR practice, of course. But you want teachers to teach you YOUR way, not their way. You can find that, surely. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you won't find it at any traditional ashtanga shala.
Go to Bikram and get applauded. Or anusura (there are alot of GREAT teachers in NYC) and learn some very difficult asanas. Or go to Erika's led class to do half primary for a while.
Girl you have been practicing ashtanga for 6 months. if you want immediate gratification go over and give Lewis a treat.
And happy birthday:)
Anonymous though you are, I am pretty sure I know who you are, and I thank you for an incredibly insightful comment - if you are who I think you are, then I wouldn't expect anything less!
Lewis just snuggled up to me by the way, and it was pure, delightful immediate gratification.
The truth is, I want to get my ass to Shala X, but I am a getting tired and lazy and looking for reasons and excuses, when in reality I just need to get my ass there. I appreciate the traditional practice that Sir gives to me. I don't know why I am questioning it other than to make an excuse to stay home in a cozy warm house with a cozy warm dog and practice right after a cozy warm bath.
There you have it. Enough of the excuses. I am going to get my butt to the shala tomorrow and get back on track.
Lauren
WHY ARE YOU PRACTICING WITH A TEACHER THAT HAS TOLD YOU ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION THAT YOU TALK TOO MUCH?
EVEN IF IF IT'S TRUE IT DOESNT SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT BALANCE IN THE TYPE OF TEACHER STUDENT RELATIONSHIP I THINK YOU ARE CRAVING. WOULD YOU EVER TELL A STUDENT THAT THEY TALK TOO MUCH?
GET IT TOGETHER yc AND START THINKING FOR YOURSELF. I AGREE WITH ALL THE POSTERS SO FAR, ASHTANGA MAY NOT BE FOR YOU.
AND SO WAHT? THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF OTHER WAYS YOU CAN APPROCAH YOGA AND YOU CAN USE THE LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN ASHTANGA TO HELP ENRICH YOUR FURTHER DEVELOPMENT IN A NOTHER YOGIC DIRECTION.
I actually don't see a problem with being "yoked" in. It is what I need, even if it is not exactly what I "want". I have told students that less talking would benefit them, and I have found myself doing this more recently, now that I am beginning to understand how excessive talking creates stress in the body (it is a constant exhale through the mouth). I tell the Husband this all the time. I think he also is beginning to understand it (he has a tendency to talk even more than I do).
This is the first time I am answering you and other posters who say that perhaps Ashtanga is not right for me: perhaps it is not. But I am not prepared to abandon the path when I am learning so much. I never left a job that I was at for less than two years (except for maternity leave); I don't anticipate treating the discipline of yoga in any different "I quit" manner.
It wouldn't be fun for me if it didn't challenge me, physically and mentally.
lauren
"Ashtanga is for everyone... except lazy people." From Sharath in the AYNY movie. like with any relationship, I learned to stick with it- even when the going got rough. Not walking away. Keep digging at this well for a while- it can prove generous beyond belief. And keep your ears open for the silent moments- on and off the matt.
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