Friday, January 27, 2006

SO very.

WEIRD dream last night...about aging...about not realizing how old I really seems that I think of myself as about 25 years old, and it is surprising to me when others see me as what I really am: a 40 year old mom. In the dream, I was back at NYU law school, auditioning for The Law Revue, the musical revue written and performed by the students that lampoons the law school and its professors.

(I was in the Law Revue all three years, and in my last year, I helped write and produce it, and I had quite the plum role: I played a "Heather", and with my other two "Heathers" as backup, I sang a hystericlly funny song to the tune the 1964 girl-group song, "Remember (Walking in the Sand)" by the Shangri-Las. At the end of the song, I dropped dead, poisoned, just like in the Heathers movie.... Anyway, I digress....)

So, in the dream, I was me at my current age, but I was in law school for some reason, auditioning for the Law Revue. I had this GREAT audition, and I figured I was a shoo-in for a great big part, with a great solo. Turns out, not only did I not get a big part, I was barely included in the show at all. In fact, I walked by the auditorium on a Saturday and was shocked and dismayed to find that the cast was rehearsing....without me.

I stormed down to the orchestra pit, and demanded a word with the director. The director emerged - a scrawny 22-year old in baggy jeans, flannel shirt and long, scraggly hair peaking out under his baseball cap. I asked him what happened, why was I not told about the rehearsal? Boy Director leafed through his copy of the script and pulled out a single page with a single paragraph circled on it. That was my part. He pointed to it and said, "I didn't think you needed to come all the way down here to rehearse when this is the only part you have to learn. You'll be fine."

I was outraged. I had had such a great audition! Why was I relegated to a token part?

"The thing is," Boy Director said, "I just didn't see you playing a law student. You're old enough to be the mom of a law student. And the real professors are playing themselves. So, it was hard to find a part for you."

I was horrified. I ran to the mirror. I saw that I was wearing my Heathers costume: mini skirt, tights and penny loafers, topped with a fuschia double breasted blazer, my hair worn in loose spirals and pulled into a low pony tail with a silver scrunchi. I looked alright to me. Why couldn't Boy Director see me as a law student when I could see myself as one? Why was he thinking of me as middle-aged when I saw myself as young...?

And that's when I woke up....

Meanwhile, back at the Shala, lovely surprise: Sir was teaching today. Usually Sir does not teach on Fridays. I got some nice adjustments from him in Mari A and B, although I was on my own for C and D. And that always has its upside: I get to go into them on my own and stay in as long as I want, repeating them if I want, with no one waiting. There's something to be said for a nice, muscular adjustment. There's also something to be said for DIY.



ciodude said...

It must be something in the air. I was having a fit last night about being envisoning myself old as well. I just couldn't shake the whole "how old I am going to be when my children are adults or when I become a grandfather" thought processes.

Although in my case, maybe you'd chock it up to the steak, olive loaf and other things I eat. :)

yoga chickie said...

I just read that, right before I saw your comment. Aging is quite the ego-buster. But it is way better than the alternative, right? I can't believe I made it to 40. A few years ago, I really wasn't sure if I would. Not to sound maudlin or anything. It's just that I repress my aging-related fears now, so they appear instead in my dreams. I have a secret desire for botox. But in real life, I just philosophically can't now.


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Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.


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