Sunday, May 20, 2007

Oucth, I bith mah tong!

Okay, so I have a small problem with bubble gum. Specifically, Double Bubble bubble gum. You know...the soft, intensely sweet chunks of gum heaven that they sell for 99 cents per bag at stores like CVS and Rite-Aid. I didn't think it was a big deal. I would use it as a way to take the edge off of my desire to eat at night. The sugar would soothe me. Little did I know that it would one day lead to...


I was chomping away on the sofa watching a DVD of Jennifer Garner's gigantic freak lips trying to form words in Catch and Release when suddenly I bit my tongue so hard that it drew blood, and lots of it. It was so painful, that I literally fell on the floor. My children, after initially thinking I was playing "Pretend To Faint", were terrified. I, myself, was terrified that I had actually bitten off a chunk of flesh. My hand shaking, I put a finger in my mouth to determine whether my tongue was still intact. Instead of finding a chunk missing, I felt a huge lump, which turned out to be a hematoma.

My tongue is now swollen to twice its size, at least on the one side, the side which got chomped, which side is also black and blue all along its length. I look like a freakin' Chow Chow.

And I had to have my friend Lalala teach the class I was supposed to teach tonight since I can't even "Om" without wincing in pain.

Go ahead. Laugh.



samasthiti said...

"Violet Beauregarde..."

(from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)

"Dear friends, we surely all agree
There's almost nothing worse to see
Than some repulsive little bum
Who's always chewing chewing gum.
(It's very near as bad as those
Who sit around and pick the nose).
So please believe us when we say
That chewing gum will never pay;
This sticky habit's bound to send
The chewer to a sticky end.
Did any of you ever know
A person called Miss Bigelow?
This dreadful woman saw no wrong
In chewing, chewing all day long.
She chewed while bathing in the tub,
She chewed while dancing at her club,
She chewed in church and on the bus;
It really was quite ludicrous!
And when she couldn't find her gum,
She'd chew up the linoleum,
Or anything that happened near–
A pair of boots, the postman's ear,
Or other people's underclothes,
And once she chewed her boy friend's nose.
She went on chewing till, at last,
Her chewing muscles grew so vast
That from her face her giant chin
Stuck out just like a violin.
For years and years she chewed away,
Consuming fifty packs a day,
Until one summer's eve, alas,
A horrid business came to pass.
Miss Bigelow went late to bed,
For half an hour she lay and read,
Chewing and chewing all the while
Like some great clockwork crocodile.
At last, she put her gum away
Upon a special little tray,
And settled back and went to sleep–
(She managed this by counting sheep).
But now, how strange! Although she slept,
Those massive jaws of hers still kept
On chewing, chewing through the night,
Even with nothing there to bite.
They were, you see, in such a groove
They positively had to move.
And very grim it was to hear
In pitchy darkness, loud and clear,
This sleeping woman's great big trap
Opening and shutting, snap–snap–snap!
Faster and faster, chop–chop–chop,
The noise went on, it wouldn't stop.
Until at last her jaws decide
To pause and open extra wide,
And with the most tremendous chew
They bit the lady's tongue in two.
Thereafter, just from chewing gum,
Miss Bigelow was always dumb,
And spent her life shut up in some
Disgusting sanatorium.
And that is why we'll try so hard
To save Miss Violet Beauregard
From suffering an equal fate.
She's still quite young. It's not too late,
Provided she survives the cure.
We hope she does. We can't be sure."

Carl said...

"I was chomping away on the sofa...

Well it's no wonder you hurt yourself. It's hard to get a good gnaw on a sofa. As far as I know, only hamsters and dogs are able to do that successfully. But at least you were seated on the sofa when you hurt yourself and fell to the floor. Bubble gum-related injuries are second only to hot chocolate incidents in terms of lengthy recovery from debilitation (people forget to remove their spoons from their hot chocolate cups and inadvertently poke their eyes).

Carl said...

(when sipping, that is)

Vanessa said...

So many people pay good $$$ to get "freaky" lips like Jennifer Garner.

skelly said...

ooooooo nasty, my two year old did something similar after her brother pushed her in an empty bath (thats what big brothers are for after all)She bit right through the centre and it swelled up something rotten. On the plus side she was allowed to eat lots of ice cream and sorbet so maybe you should go for that approach :)

"YC" said...

Oh my God! hurts to laugh!!!

Ben said...

hey there... sorry to read about your tongue. I googled chewing gum tongue hurt and look where I ended up...

you are lucky to yoga in NYC - so many choices!

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Copyright 2005-2007 Lauren Cahn, all rights reserved. Photos appearing on this blog may be subject to third party copyright ownership. You are free to link to this blog and portions hereof, but the use of any direct content requires the prior written consent of the author.

About Me

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Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.


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