The proper prescription

I've been a bit remiss with my blogging these past few days, and I am inclined to feel guilty, but then I don't want to turn blogging into yet another "thing" in my life - something that I feel bound to do, whether I want to or not. Kind of like my practice lately. In each case, it is something I enjoy, and I feel good after having done it. But there is something missing, something I would call tapas if it weren't for the fact that I was literally drenched with sweat today despite the cool temperatures we are having here in New York City. Neither my blogging nor my Ashtanga practice has become a "chore", and yet nor are either filled with joy or hunger.

I can see it in my writing, which has grown flat, whereas it used to sparkle (I believe!). I can see it in my ujjayi breathing, which has become rather anemic, whereas it used to be robust (I used to be one of those loud ujjayi breathers). I can see it in my defeatest attitude toward Supta K; it is as if I am entirely without hope. Only, it's not about life, it's about the pose. It sounds so dramatic (melodramatic). But that is only because I am sitting here forcing myself to write and pondering this cloud of ennui which seems to have fallen over me of late.

Something concrete I have been having trouble with lately is a sort of crisis of trust in the system. It is simply this: it doesn't make sense to me to stop practicing at Supta K when to do so gives me no opportunity to release the muscles and joints of my back body. There is a reason that Garbha Pindasana comes right after Supta K. Whenever I have practiced in a led class, I have felt wonderful rocking around on my back with my arms stretched through my lotus legs. And then Badha Konasana finishes the job. After that, it's smooth sailing. I could finish primary, or I could go straight into backbends. Either way, I feel good.

But the way it is for me now, I am expected to backbend immediately after Supta K. And let me tell you: it is TORTURE. Not only is it torture...it is impossible. After Supta K, I lie on my back and press my spine into the floor and try to visualize reversing up into a full wheel. Sometimes I bring my knees into my chest and quietly rock a bit on my spine. Today, after all that, I crossed my legs and folded over my shins. So then...WHY NOT GARBHA???!!!! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????

Perhaps it is just my particular body - the joint stiffness from my medication (Arimidex) makes it hard to u-turn from backbending to forward bending and vice versa. I know that other people say that the same is true for them. But I have the meds working against me, not just the rules of anatomy.

And so I find myself doubting this system of stopping after a pose without having done its counterpose(s). And it is making me want to practice at home more, where I can easily slip into lotus (almost without using my hands) and then slide my hands into the spaces between my shins and my leg-flesh (without even bruising! finally! I cracked the twisted code of the anatomy of the arm!) and rock away without offending anyone. And I can then bend my knees, put the soles of my feet together, open those feet up like a book and press my chest down, without fearing that I am cheating or disrespecting the system. At that point, I can backbend because my back is now neutralized.

And so I doubt the system a bit now. Would anyone do a full wheel without paschimotannasana or some other posture that neutralizes the spine from a deep contracting? Rhetorical question. Then, why would anyone take the exact opposite spinal oosition (Supta Kurmasana) without a spine neutralizer?

There you have it: Yoga Chickie's existential Ashtanga crisis. Prescription? Two days of at-home practice per week for now and call me in the summer.

YC