Friday, June 23, 2006

The Year of Sucking Majorly

"My husband moved out today. He told me he's in love with his 22-year old personal trainer. I told him he had to choose, her or me. He chose her. So I kicked him out."

This is, in essence, what a friend of mine told me back in February. At first, she expected that he would wake up one day and realize what a mistake he had made, choosing a girl who was willing to choose a guy like him, one who was willing to leave his wife and two kids for someone he barely knew and had little in common with. But months later, it seems clear that he is quite happy shacking up with this girl who could have gone after any guy, but chose to pursue a relationship with a guy who was married with children (and by pursue, I don't mean that she was the aggressor; it doesn't matter who was).

I'm not blaming this girl But I do question my friend's soon-to-be-ex's taste in her. And I question her taste in him. Not that it's any of my business. And not that whether either one of them has good taste is relevant to, well, anything.

Just in case any of this smacks of cliche, I feel the need to clear something up right now: my friend is gorgeous. She looks like what I would imagine Jessica Simpson would look like (minus the bad hair hats she is currently sporting all over the red carpets and on the cover of Maxim) if she were Jewish. My friend is also a very decent human being, not to mention VERY fun and very cool. So, if any part of you is thinking, well, maybe she let herself go, or maybe she cheated on him, or maybe she neglected their marriage.....let me just say, no.

So, my friend has had a really rough year. The first half of the year, she kept it all on the very down low. She confided no one. She hoped the problem would go away. The second half of the year, when her husband moved out, and she went public with her reality, she became fodder for the gossip mill. Nothing malicious. But people talk. And even when they talk sympathetically, it's still talk. I can say that from my own experience: when I was being treated for breast cancer, I became a sort of local celebrity. Everyone knew about me, even people I didn't know. And I hated it. HATED it. Sometimes, I couldn't bear to go out in public because I knew people were talking, and even though they were saying nice things, it still bothered me to know that they were saying ANYthing.

It's the same thing for my friend. Everyone knows what happened. Everyone knows that her husband "chose" another woman over her. Everyone knows that she's sad. Everyone knows that she's suffering. And knowing that everyone knows has made my friend brittle, angry, edgy.

And I am ANYTHING but dispassionate about this. I find myself judging my friend's husband and his girlfriend and even my husband, for NOT judging my friend's husband and girlfriend. How does one NOT judge when someone's actions seem so...abhorrent? How do we regard abhorrent actions with equanimity?

YC

6 comments:

Hanuman said...

We only have half the history.

It looks to me like an unhappy situation. Whomever this woman is, she is lucky. She found out early that this was not the guy. Yes, she suffers now, but she will heal, and move on. Let's hope that she finds new happiness with a loving human being.

Compassion to both of them regardless of what each of their 'truths' is, and regardless of who is in their righteousness. Let them both let go of it, and move on their paths.

Sergio said...

I don't think she found out that early, taking into account they had children, Hanuman.

Anonymous said...

22 years old?

And don't even tell me it was an Equinox trainer.

Time heals all.

Sally

samasthiti said...

It's really such a cop out. Let them find their own truths and move on their own paths. They have children! Our society is so easy to let this go. Oh, they weren't right for each other, it wasn't meant to be, he's not the one. What ever. Shouldn't you delve into that before you marry? I think the real problem is that marriage is not taken very seriously. You mentioned Jessica Simpson!

So how does one not judge infidelity? It is wrong. There are better ways to get out of a marriage. He was wrong first, his little girlfriend was wrong too. The wife, well, we aren't married to her we will never really know what went on. So be a friend, listen to her, console her. Help her move on. That's all you can do.

How to regard abhorrent actions? They are just that, actions. The world is full of many more abhorrent actions than this failed marriage. How do we deal with women and children murdered and raped and staved in Africa and the Middle East? The same way we start to accept things here, in our own house. Deal with all of your own things first. Live your life the best possible way you can, the happiness you create there will expand exponentially.
Maybe even to your friend.

Anonymous said...

samasthiti said...

"It's really such a cop out. Let them find their own truths and move on their own paths. They have children!"


Thank you samasthiti, as I was about to go non-yogic when I read YC's post. Your post said what I would have tried to.

This is what I really don’t get, “I'm not blaming this girl But I do question my friend's soon-to-be-ex's taste in her.” Why is the girl not to blame?

yoga chickie said...

The girl is not to blame for the husband's actions or for the demise of the marriage. She is to blame for her own bad behavior. Not blaming her for the husband's actions or the demise of the marriage is different from not blaming her for her own bad behavior. Not that I should have to defend what I wrote. It is what it is.

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I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.

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