Days of whine and poses

I suck. I suck. I suck.

I am losing Mari D. Or maybe I never had it Maybe I always bound by my fingertips, and I am just dreaming that I used to actually bind in this pose? In any event, for the past week, I am not getting into this pose without help. My lotus is fine. I can get my up-knee wedged in toward the midline and tucked into my armpit. I can reach my binding arm around and grab my lotus thigh. Then I take my non-binding hand and use it to bring my ribcage further around. It all seems so good. And that's when it all goes to pot. For some reason, when I try to reach my non-binding arm around, it doesn't make it. And my binding hand feels stuck - I can't rotate the arm to make the "grab" possible.

I really can't figure it out. Mari C is great. It feels almost easy now. But D is going to hell in a non-rotating handbasket.

So much of my practice was great today, so I don't know why I am fixated on my Mari D problems. My bandhas were really strong. I noticed this as I jumped back from Uttkatasana. I had my hands flat on the floor and felt that split-second of floating on air. I also had the "floating" sensation jumping back from Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana. I placed my lotus leg on my chatturanga arm, and floated my other leg back. Both sides. And I had a revalation in Surya B even...I realized that by lifting Uddiyana Bandha as I step my foot forward for Vira I, I can step my foot straight forward without veering my knee to the side AND without picking up my hands. It really smoothes it out. It's a split second of neither exhale nor inhale, and it really feels great.

I even came closer to placing my hand on the floor on both sides of Parivritta Parsvakonasana. So then why is Mari D becoming such a problem? A mental block perhaps? A true ego-buster. I know I just need to be patient and this too shall pass. But it feels so emotionally charged for me. Like, what if it means that I am losing flexibility in my chest? Or worse...what if it means that I am putting on fat around my middle? Actually, there COULD be something to this last point - not fat, but fluid retention around the upper abdomen relating to the enormous amount of backbending I am doing lately, the most backbending I have done since my abdominoplasty in August. And back then, I had a LOT of fluid retention in my upper abodomen - I even had a seroma that took months to resolve. So, perhaps all the backbending is traumatizing my abdominal muscles enough so that I am actually experiencing a protective swelling there?

And speaking of backbending, I am comfortably pressing up to Urdhva Dhanurasana six times daily now....and thinking that my backbends are getting to be "all that". So, I go home, and just out of curiosity, I press up into a backbend right next to my bedroom mirror so that I can see how far I have to go before my arms are vertical. I figured I was just about there.

Wrong.

And even worse: it's not the fault of my chest or shoulders. For once, I cannot blame this on my mastectomy or anything else other than the fact that my thoracic spine is as straight as, well, as straight as my ARMS should be if and when I can ever backbend properly.

Hence, I suck.

YC