Tuesday, July 26, 2005

An apology...

Boy, do I have a lot to learn...about, among other things, the effects of my words on others. I never really thought anyone would be reading this blog at all, and the idea that ANYONE is reading it surprises (and flatters) me. Since I started out blogging with the belief that no one (other than myself, and perhaps my mom, and maybe not even her) would have any interest in reading my blog, I got into the habit of just letting my thoughts flow from brain to keyboard, without much of a review process in between.

Today, I was deeply effected when a commentator of this blog pointed out the error of my ways. I read the commentator's words with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and was left with a hangover of regret. As a result, I immediately deleted the blog entry identified as offending (and its related comments). To that commentator and to anyone else reading this, I am offering my apology and a promise: to be more discreet in my observations going forward. Please know that I do see your place of practice as a sacred place and I will be mindful of treating it as such.




Anonymous said...

Thanks for that.
I made the comments on the "offending" posts..."
Gone are the days of private blogs (unless you make them so). Ashtanga - what with ezboard and all - is a VERY small world - and as you have seen, we all have our 2 cents. Your observations were quite normal - but probably more so in the confines of a one-on-one conversation. With the internet as it is, all one has to do is search a few keys terms and your blog would come up for anyone...what a shame if a prospective student got the impression that your shala was some sort of brothel! HA!

yoga chickie said...

Thanks for pointing it out - and thanks for letting me know you saw the deletion. I know I can't please everyone on here, especially with the shala-hopping and all, but the least I can do is not create a Page Six environment here....Lauren

CCC said...

Lauren, what you're going through with your blog exposure happened to me too. But I learned an awful lot in a short amount of time ... ridiculous, really, how much I learned ... about what I choose to devote my writings to, how to express disappointments/resentments/anger and the like, and how to breathe through negative comments.

At this point thoughts of what's been happening with the board and your blog might be weighing heavily on you. This is something I understand. Soften your reactions and keep writing. Write and learn and then write some more and learn some more. You're doing great.

Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I keep my practice private for a bit. Just a few days or even a week. I love sharing my progress and yoga high's and low's with others. But it's a special feeling to intentionally walk into the shala, limit my interactions with others, do my practice, quietly leave and then let go of "rehearsing" the poses that have got us stumped.

Am I making sense?

Anyway, I love how honest and open you are. And I admire how you handled certain people on the boards. Yogalisa and others? They're suffering right along with us. Dealing with their own daily struggles.

Hope you're having a fabulous evening and that your breast cancer class went well. :o)

yoga chickie said...

Hey CCC, your comment just lit up my face in a huge smile. It's like...ahhhh....someone understands!

All of this commentary has really surprised me and thrown me for a bit of a loop.

On my way down to Yoga Sutra this evening, I contemplated just shutting the damn blog down once and for all. I mean, what was I thinking? Putting it all out there for the world to love or hate when, at heart, I am someone who just wants to please everybody...what am I, nuts?

If I were someone who didn't care what people thought of me, then it would be easy to just write whatever I wanted....That being said, it's one thing to piss people off by writing about my propensity to hop from shala to shala; it's another thing entirely to blog about people who might not want to be blogged about. With regard to the former, it would be good for me to develop a thick skin. With regard to the latter, it would be good for me to develop a better censor between my brain and my fingers.

I definitely like the idea of sometimes just keeping my practice private...might be a good time for that now....

Thanks for writing. Maybe someday you'll show me your blog....:)


CCC said...

Lauren -

I'm Harrison Bear from the ezboard. My last post there wasn't a nice one. I reached a point of truly feeling hurt and sad and angry from the various off-color and rude comments. Sometimes I feel so giddy and goofy in my genuine desire to feel a part of things. And then I get slammed by the regulars from things I write, my ashtanga practice questioned and sometimes shredded ... when all I'm trying to do is LEARN. How frustrating!

My blog was not yoga focused. I took it down a month ago because I felt exposed and vulnerable! :o) Since then I've given thought to putting up a yoga blog. With NO comments. I reached a point with my blog where I had in excess of a thousand readers! And many of them wanted comments opened. But I wouldn't do it. I was writing for my own pleasure and made a firm decision to limit people's accessibility to me.

When I pull myself together and figure out some things in my personal life, I'll start blogging again. What I realized straight away with a blog is that I'll have readers from around the globe, even if I tell no one about it. And I need guidelines so I don't write excessively unkind things about my former partner (which I did once), etc. Now that I'm clear on my right to write regardless of opinion and that I truly benefit from it as an outlet ... well, we'll see.


yoga chickie said...

How is it that everyone finds out about these blogs? I know that Sprout found and listed my blog. But then, you wouldn't find it on Sprout unless you searched under my real name.

So, trying to parse through what you wrote - you had a non-yoga blog, and it was not open to public comment? Or any comment at all? How did you know what your readership was? I am a true newbie at this. I have no idea who is reading or how they are finding it in the first place, except for the few people I invited to look at it (my mom, my Intro to Yoga students, my Yoga for Breast Cancer Survivors students...and whoever reads my website, downtownuptownyoga.com, which is like approximately two people or something like that, based on my estimates!).

I agree - EZBoard can be a tough place. You need a super-thick skin there. They seem to sniff out the newbies and beat them into submission (me included - as you have seen). It seems like a lot of it is supposed to be in good fun - I think most of the people on there just want people to validate how funny they are. But then, there is some of it that has a real undercurrent of elitism and anger and simmering grudges between longtime members.

It is strange to see such anger on a board devoted to a practice that is intended to bring about peace, inner stillness and calm mindfulness. Ah well. People are people, and yoga is a lifelong practice.

When you get your yoga blog going, let me know, so I can read it.....if you don't mind...Lauren

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry there's been so much commotion regarding your recent posts. The post in particular was a good one, and assuming that it did in fact happen, why is it not right for you to put it in your blog? If everyone that was there saw what was going on, obviously it didn't matter to the people you wrote about.

As for people thinking your Shala is a brothel, I think that's going a bit far, this was something that bothered you and you expressed it.

I know this is difficult being the web, but please try not to let other people censor what you put in your blog.

Just my 2 cents!

CCC said...

My website had its own domain and hosting, so I had a control panel which allowed me to check daily statistics ... hits, number of unique visitors, monthly counts, etc. I'm not sure if Blogger has that available to you. I would imagine that it is, though. Ask them or try typing /stats/ at the end of your address.

You really summed things up nicely with your description of the ezboard. That's the best description to date. Last year I got on some people's "bad side" by asking questions that made me an easy target. Of course I didn't realize this and then was outraged when I was verbally attacked on my first day with the board! There was nothing controversial or out of the ordinary with my questions, yet two people in particular made a target out of me and even went so far as to send personal messages to my ezboard inbox.

It was awful.

Some people emailed me during my last round of difficulties there, encouraging me and thanking me for that last message (which was rather strong) and admitting to rarely posting because of the rudeness that is prevalent on the board. Three said they avoid the board as much as possible and would never visit if it weren't for the fact that live in towns that don't offer ashtanga classes.

You mentioned tough skin in one of your comments to me. But how weird, wouldn't you say, that one needs tough skin to visit a YOGA DISCUSSION GROUP! The last time I was told I needed tough skin was by the man who hired me for a federal internship with a group of special agents. Some months down the road I filed a formal sexual harassment complaint against him. Sworn statements, phone meetings with Washington officials, half the office turning against me, the other half quietly thanking me when no one was looking. Result: My supervisor was demoted and relocated.


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About Me

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Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.


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