Monday, October 01, 2007

Day from HELL. But I got Pasasana.

I can't bear to recount the details. Suffice it to say that my day did not include balancing on my hands while in lotus, smoking pot, drinking hella quantities of wine, partaking in new life experiences that I will someday chalk up to a mid-life crisis, getting a paycheck reflecting a pay raise, reading or writing poetry, filing an order to show cause or getting hit on by a chick.

It did include Pasasana. And it did include a reference to my being "skinny".

Unfortunately, the reference came from the medical tech performing what amounted to an emergency ultrasound on a palpable lymph node under my left (non-cancer-side) arm, discovered by my oncologist at my five-year check-up today.

"It's NOT cancer," Dr. H told me. "But let's get an ultrasound just to rule anything out."

Ah, the old "just to rule anything out" line. As far as I'm concerned it's right up there with "It's not you, it's me". In either case, it's a helluva lot easier for you to say it than for me to hear it.

Anyway, turns out that "anything" was, in fact, ruled out. The sonogram showed that everythin was normal, and the lymph node wasn't even enlarged. Hence, the "skinny" comment, as in, "Because you're skinny, you might be able to feel a lymph node that wouldn't otherwise be felt."

Yeah, it turned out okay. But it's not okay to realize that this will always be the way it is for me. You might hear "lymph node", but I hear "cancer", even if it's not. I used my breath to keep myself calm, and while I was waiting for the Radiologist to come in and talk to me, I practically fell asleep on the table. Trouble is, the anxiety does have to go somewhere, right? I mean, it's like matter. It doesn't just disappear. It has to go somewhere. So, after riding out the terrible anxiety in the hospital today, I am left all jangly and irritable now.

Fucking cancer. What doesn't kill you leaves you...mangled.

YC

12 comments:

cranky housefrau said...

sucks. i am so sorry.

but HEY congrats on the pasasana! it is one of my very most favorites!

laksmi said...

I can even see the lymph nodes in my GROIN area. GROIN. GROIN. GROIN.

yogagirl said...

HI, YC. I have been there as I had posted here a couple of weeks back. I understand how stressful that was, but I hope the doctors explained that nodes are common. I have had benign ones several times over the years. I have opted to get them removed and biopsied just to remove the stress. Fortunately no recurrences. Interesting that my oncologist, Dr. N at MSKCC doesn't believe in 5 yr markers. I still get checked twice a year. It is true that every year that you are cancer free your chances of recurrence diminish. Eventually you get to a point where your chances aren't any higher than anyone elses which is great. I have found that the benefits of Ashtanga when going through a major medical trauma are too wonderful to put into words! Good luck. I wish you good health and all the best.

boodiba said...

I can see my groin nodes too. Some veins across the lower belly slightly. Yes I am very vein.

DebPC said...

What doesn't kill you leaves you mangled. Maybe...
My ashtangi friend in Florida who does all of second series tore the meniscus in her knee and so is now doing only first series. Coming back to that she was surprised to realize that first series really is a healing practice. Maybe it was the "gift" of the injury or the fact that she had made it all the way through second so she had achieved that-- yeah, yeah, don't tell me you ashtangis aren't totally competitive about getting to the next pose, series etc. Either way, being forced to step back can make us see what we have. So maybe what doesn't kill us mangles us to begin with, but perhaps it also makes us stronger if we let it.

laksmi said...

that's great. we can mangle ourselves in second and third and get sent back to first. that's teach us to have an ego about intermediate practice.

boodiba said...

I believe you left some shit on my blog. It belongs on yours.

[being quote]
YC said...

I'm not pissed at anyone or taking anything out on you, linda. I don't care if you smoke pot. I couldn't give a rats ass if you go get a precription for paxil or vicodin or viagra. If you look at my comment, i was not condemning or judging you. I was simply stating the case of pot versus paxil. There are many people who would be dead without antidepressants, many bipolars who would be in the gutter without their meds, but you can't really say that about people who smoke pot. For pot smokers, it is a choice, except when used to prevent nausea from chemo. Even then, it was more about feeling good than keeping myself from committing suicide.

Good, linda, that you are not envious of me. Owl, i have a comfortable life, monetarily speaking, but i earned it, myself for more than a decade. And then i got cancer at the age of 35, and if you read my blog, you'll know that i still have to deal with the cancer fallout to this very day.

Yeah, i'm down with the system. I think it works better than one run by violent drug lords. Most importantly, I'd like to thank big bad pharma for making me what i am today: alive.

I enjoy reading boodi's blog, even if she doesn't like my views. Actually, linda, i am envious of you for one thing: that you are so uninhibited in displaying your narcissism. I would love to talk about how hot i am, how guys stare at me in my car and hit on me when i walk down the street in the city, how young i look, how tiny my jeans are, how clever i am, my s.a.t. scores, my straight a's at tufts, my being beloved by my professors and bosses and blah blah blah. But i can't do it because it embarasses me.

So, you got me there.
8:36 PM
YC said...

Oh, and katie, for the record, i only requested to post on your asana obsession blog because i wanted to see you say no. I found it amusing and it gave me something to write about on my own blog. Ah, the joy of boredom. A kept woman has to amuse herself somehow when the shala isn't open.
8:45 PM

samasthiti said...

Shit. Glad it's just because your so thin:)
I will smoke 1/2 a cigarette to calm your jangled nerves.

laksmi said...

susan, I don't get that? And hey, I'm getting a complex now. I mean, I texted you, i emailed you like 300 times, and here you are over at yc's place. wtf? are you like broodiba now?

samasthiti said...

Dear Laksmi,
I wish we could still be friends but I only love YC now. I'm sorry. It me not you.
Really. It's me.
Not.
You.

I will always love you,
Susan

W said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
laksmi said...

i have a really veiny belly. really.

Copyright 2005-2007 Lauren Cahn, all rights reserved. Photos appearing on this blog may be subject to third party copyright ownership. You are free to link to this blog and portions hereof, but the use of any direct content requires the prior written consent of the author.

About Me

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Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.

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