Sunday, November 04, 2007

Guest Blogger: "Mammos? We don't need no stinkin mammos."

This letter comes from Mr. Abdul-Hasan Omar Loman Elad, pictured at left.

Dear Yoga Chickie,

It has come to my attention that you're getting all "hey, go get a mammogram" and all "Yeah, early detection can equal preventon", and I just want to say to you, with all due respect, "Fuck you, you stupid American bitch."

One of my wives tried to get one of those breast-squashing things done to her, and I had her dragged out of the office and banished to a cave for one month. And I had good reason, Ms. Chickie. Let's not even talk about the fact that the breast-crushing doctor was a man, which is one hundred percent unacceptable. Let's just move along to the fact that another one of my wives got "this disease", which I will not even dignify with a name, in her breast, and this is because she defied me by getting a mammogram. I mean, you don't get a mammogram, you don't get this disease, obviously. Instead, you live with your lumps and you die instead in service to God, like in a suicide bombing, or some such. Something dignified. Unlike this disease.

So, this wife of mine, she gets this lump in her breast, and it keeps getting bigger and bigger, probably because she ignored my command to cover it up with gauze and herbal salves. When it seemed to be almost popping through the skin (see below for an example of what this looks like; this is NOT my wife's breast, I repeat NOT my wife in the photo), this wife of mine defied me and went to a secret male doctor who gave her surgery. Which is also why she died. Because no male doctor should see my wife's breast. And more importantly, no one should open up cancer to the air. What are these doctors thinking, Yoga Chickie?

No wife of mine is going to go get early detection so that she can have some crazy-assed surgery that is only going to make the cancer grow.

I know, I know, you're going to say that it wasn't the surgery that made the cancer grow, but with all due respect, I have this to say to you, "Fuck you, you stupid Jewish American peasant."

And listen: Don't you all be be sending that Mr. Doublemint Bush's wife to my house to have her talking crazy to the women of my country about early detection when you know it is a Big Lie. Early detection means taking away the ladies' spirit. They know they will die, and they ruin their husbands lives while doing so. I say let them just cover up their sickness with their gauze, and hide the smell of decaying flesh with salves, and leave us alone about it.

We need our governmnt funds for God's war. Not for some pretend war against a disease that has no cure. And everyone with a brain knows that you can't get cured from this disease. It is a death sentence, this disease. So just accept it, and go be with God, and stop bothering your husbands about it, because we have more important battles to wage.

Oh, yes, I know, you say that women who get their breast disease detected early can survive. That something like 90 percent of women who get their breast disease detected early DO survive it. Again, stop the BIG LIES. You Americans with your big money for big medicine need to stop lying and stop getting my ladies involved in the Big Lies. We need our money for real problems, like getting rid of the bad people who do not believe in our God.

Just SHUT UP already, Yoga Chickie.


Mr. A-H.O.L.E

P.S. I voted that you are annoying, and that I am not.


samasthiti said...

Huh, not sure how to react to that.
Um. Give me a moment.

Yoga Chickie said...

You've had your moment. Go ahead. Tear me a new one.

Anonymous said...

Finally, someone who agrees with me.

Carl said...

You don't put enough of the "praise God" and "God willing" stuff in your fake letters from the Middle East. As Osama bin Laden shows, you just can't put enough praise-gods and god-willings into your missives to the world.

Yoga Chickie said...

You stupid, little American imbecile, expecting me to fit some assinine stereotype of Allah-praising banshee nutjobs. I am not like that, you moronic American homosexual-loving, hindu-worshipping, Jesus-fearing, one-wife-having, no-goat-fucking piece of cow excrement. I am an intellectual, and all of my many wives are intellectuals, and all of my hundreds of princes are intellectuals, praise Allah, see I said it. No go stick your uncovered head up your lily white American rear end. Fucking imbecile. Love, A-HOLE.

Carl said...

I'm not afraid of Jesus.

Anonymous said...

Carl, I think you mean Barack Obama

Copyright 2005-2007 Lauren Cahn, all rights reserved. Photos appearing on this blog may be subject to third party copyright ownership. You are free to link to this blog and portions hereof, but the use of any direct content requires the prior written consent of the author.

About Me

My photo
Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.


Ashtanga Blogs

Thanks for reading Yoga Chickie!