Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Life is good.

It's cold outside, a frigid 20 degrees farenheit.

However, I woke up this morning to a sweetly toasty room - always keeping the thermostat set to a cozilicious 78 degrees, such as I do.

After lolling about under my down covers in my sleigh bed that I had custom-built from rainforest trees that were harvested in the Amazon and then shipped to the French countryside for custom carving by children. And I feel okay about this because the children didn't have to miss school for it, seeing as these kids don't go to school anyway. They're too poor to do much of anything besides help their parents pay for food and clothing.

My fluffy Designer Hybrid Poodle-Flat-Coated Retriever Mix that I bought for a bargain price of $2,800 at a nearby breeder (can you imagine adopting a mongrel when you can buy from a breeder, which of course, guarantees the very best possible dog) licked my face and reminded me that it was time to start filling the giant travertine tub for my morning whirlpool. That travertine marble can get awfully cold, so we need to run the hot water for quite some time before even beginning to fill the tub. We had to have an extra water heater tank installed just for his purpose.

Annoying. But so worth it.

Such a lovely hot bath I had today. And after sudsing up with my guilty pleasure, Mr. Bubble, sodium laurel sulfates and all, but damn, if it doesn't make bathtime fun, I toweled off with a few towels that I pre-heated on my convenient sterling plated towel warmer. Then I threw the towels in the wash. Can't use a towel more than once, can you? Am I right or what? Yucky!

My children were getting ready in their rooms, but I couldn't hear them since their rooms are so far away from mine. That is a CLEAR advantage to having a house that is bigger than God's. You never have to see your kids if you don't want to. And you sure don't have to hear them. But if you want, you can have audio and video intercoms wired throughout the house so that you can watch and listen when it suits you to do so. It takes a crapload of electricity to keep those things running all the time, but hell, you have to stay connected to the kids. Do you not? I mean, come on.

Not that I don't use my au pair to feed and clothe my kids and ready them for school. Su is a wonderful au pair. We imported her from Souteast Asia on a win-win kind of thing: we needed work done around here, and she wanted to see the country. Maybe when she is done with her 40 hours per week here she will have some time to see the country before heading back to her part of the world. If not, she can always come back when she has enough money to pay for it herself.

Su always makes the kids these fabulous, giant breakfast buffets. We import all this really cool exotic stuff so that she can make Dim Sum, and Su loves cooking on the giant-assed Viking restaurant-sized stove with our English pots and pans, slicing and dicing with our German and Japanese knives. The catch: poor Su, I don't have the heart to tell her that the kids are never going to eat all that food. Actually, none of it, really. They just like Eggo waffles with chocolate-flavored chips. So, we end up just throwing all that other stuff in the trash. Ah well. Maybe one day I will remember to bring some of our extra food over to the food bank in town. But not today. Too busy.

Yep, too busy, I am. First, I drove 10 miles for the best cup of coffee in the county. It is TOTALLY worth the hassle of driving 10 miles there and 10 miles back. Funny that I never learned to make coffee myself. I can make a Thanksgiving dinner. But I can't make a cup of coffee! Silly girl, that YC.

Then I drove another 20 miles in the other direction for my daily fix of yoga. I love driving in my SUV. It's so status! So money! I'm thinking about getting a Hummer next. LOVE those things. And what an awesome feeling to be the absolute biggest passenger car on the highway! Not that I ever take the highway. I'm usually ambling around on the country roads, rather than taking the (cough) more efficient highways, because the country roads are so pretty. And it's important to fill one's world with pretty things. Am I right, people? Or am I right?

While I was out, I kept the cable box on because I was DVR'ing my favorite shows: Tyra Banks and Judge Judy. I don't trust that DVR to work if I don't leave the tv on. So, on I leave it. Also, it's nice to come home to the sound of familiar, friendly voices in my house. Hi Tyra! Hi Judge!

When I get home, I take another long, hot bath. This time, I don't take it in the travertine behemoth - that would be WASTEFUL! Instead, I take it in the second guest bedroom (the first guest bedroom is Su's. The only problem with that is that afterwards, I have to wash all the towels I use. Again. I mean, how many loads of laundry should Su have to do in a day? Damn. I need to try to get more efficient about my towel usage, or at least about maybe collecting them all before making Su do a whole load.

After bathing, I go sit in my sitting room. This is not to be confused with my living room or my family room or the upstairs den, which my dear husband has coopted as an office, or my dressing room. The sitting room is where I, guess what? I sit. I sit there for a little while, but not for too long, because I can still here Tyra talking in the other room, and I get lonely for a little conversation.

At that point, I decide to take out the SUV and drive over to my friend's house. She lives about a quarter mile down the road in a 10,000 square foot BEHEMOTH of a house. GROSS! But don't tell anyone I said that. Anyway, I have to drive there because no one walks here. Least of all me. The one time I walked from one end of Main Street to the other (about a half mile) to get a cup of coffee, I was practically laughed out of town on a rail. There were all, "Look a YC, she thinks she still lives in The City, hardee har har."

Anyway, when I was about halfway to Chez Bitchface (no, I did NOT say that!), I realized that I was cold, even though the heat was on full blast in the car. So, I turned around, and I slid into my driveway. Since it was only going to take me a moment inside to grab my full-length chinchilla, I left the car idling.

Yep, you heard that right: I idle now. I mean, why not? I do everything else without a thought to the environment, right? So what the hell? It's all-idling all the time now!
Anyway, there I go digressing again. So, the phone rang while I was inside. It was a telephone solicitor. She seemed nice, so I donated a thousand bucks to something. I don't remember what. Then we chatted a bit. Nice lady. Then I remembered I had the car running outside. Didn't want to burn out the battery, so I skeedaddled back, threw the chinchilla into the passenger seat (it turned out it wasn't so cold after all), and drove to my friend's house.

When it was time for the school bus to come, we drove down to the bottom of the driveway and waited for the kids to come off the bus. Isn't it nice that the kids get to get off the bus and into a nice, warm SUV?
This message has been brought to you by the All Or Nothing Coalition, of which I am the proud founder and chief executive. Here is what we stand for at the AONC: If you eat one oreo, might as well eat the whole box. If you miss yoga practice one day, you might as well quit. And most importantly, if you fail to "go green" 100 percent, you might as well just give up and go CARBON WILD! Woohoooooo!
And, hell, I've always wanted to make an impact on this world. So, why not make my impact this way? I'll step deeply and make the MOTHER of all footprints. Yeah.
That's all.



(0v0) said...

Oh, I caught that jab even though you intended it for someone else who's sweeter than me.

I am mongrel. Seems to have worked out ok in terms of my functionality.

Yoga Chickie said...

What jab? This was a satire. I am the proud owner of a beagle/bassett mix whom I adopted form a kill shelter. Now, pretend I didn't say that and go back to dealing with the real issues at hand...

(0v0) said...

Oh good!

I misread completely. Viva the Real Issues!

It makes sense about the beagle/bassett mix, incidentally. :) Very nice.

Carl said...

Sigh. How many times do I have to explain this? This is burlesque, NOT satire. Geez.

Yoga Chickie said...

Tell me the diff, Carl?

Carl said...

Umm, my bad. It is satire. I probably was still in dogpile-on-Lauren mode when I made that goof. Or maybe it was that I hadn't had my late lunch yet.

But anyway, more specifically than mere satire, it is burlesque. This latter form is a mocking imitation of a thing, whereas satire is... less specific than that.

samasthiti said...

You get backed into a corner and you come out with the gloves...the satire gloves.


Yoga Chickie said...

It's my blog.

samasthiti said...


samasthiti said...

But still, typical.

jlafitte said...

You have to admit she has a modest talent.

Yoga Chickie said...

Typical, because it's my blog. If you want to read a different point of view, you'll have to read a different blog.

Yoga Chickie said...

And thank you, jlafitte for your modest compliment.

mousebell said...

this made me laugh and laugh. best part is that you make it almost believable. love it.

jlafitte said...

Though, I'm wondering if this is original work. You didn't lift any of this, YC, hmm? I don't read that sort of Nanny Diaries lit so I wouldn't know.

Carl said...

I don't see how Lauren is backed into any sort of corner. Gotta love someone that keeps the hornets stirred up like Lauren does!

Yoga Chickie said...

Gotta love commentators who think with their things. Thanks Carl!

Yoga Chickie said...

Oh, and Monsieur (is it Monsieur?) Lafitte: pshaw!!! I have never read, nor seen, the Nanny Diaries, nor have I ever felt the need to crib anyone's ideas or expression. What is the fun in that? I do this for the fun of it, and the occasional paying sponsor. There aint no play in plagiarism.

jlafitte said...

Okay then. Yeah it's Monsieur.

Now go teach your kids about peak oil.

Yogamum said...

I thought this was hilarious!

AC said...

You crack me up!!

CGo said...

Love you. No, hate you. No, love you. Hate you. No - wait ... I really don't know. Is it like looking at a car wreck? Or doing kapo every day and dreading every minute until I'm in it?

Yoga Chickie said...

Personally, I prefer the Kapo analogy.

Copyright 2005-2007 Lauren Cahn, all rights reserved. Photos appearing on this blog may be subject to third party copyright ownership. You are free to link to this blog and portions hereof, but the use of any direct content requires the prior written consent of the author.

About Me

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Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.


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