Incredible! Undescribable! Unbelievable!

(as in Not Credible, Not Describable and Not to be Believed)

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands, but as I read US Magazine's seemingly effusive and doting coverage of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's wedding in Italy (which, in case you only just awoke from a coma this minute, logged onto your computer and went immediately to my blog, took place this weekend), I kept finding myself snickering at what I felt HAD to be a wedding-wide private joke amongst the guests that I imagined began with a sly nudge:

"Pssst....Dontcha think it would be hilarious if we told the press exactly what what we thought of this freak show, while appearing to be all ass-kissing and what-not?

"Totally!" I imagine as the whispered answer, "Like, how about if I tell the press it was 'unbelievable'.....heh heh heh...as in 'not believable on any level'....geddit?"

I like to imagine that someone else responded with: "Ha! How about if I tell them that 'their kiss seemed to last forever'?!! I mean, like, it SOUNDS romantic, right, but no one will know that what I really meant was that if their repulsive show of Hollywood macking lasted a moment longer, I would not have been able to hold back the vomit!"

And in my little fantasy, even Katie's uncle got in on the act: "Hey, what about if I say, 'We're CRAZY-excited'! Heeee!!! Crazy...Caaaah-ray- ZEEE"

Linda Bruckheimer, wife of Tom's Top Gun producer dove headfirst into the fun, with "It was unbelievable, indescribable, unlike anything I have been to in my life!" And I am quite sure that Mrs. Bruckheimer has been to many an oversized, stylized, star-saturated wedding. So, you do the math.

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, one of Kate Cruise's newly minted friends, took on the "indescribable" aspect when she attempted (i.e., through Botoxed msk) to enthuse, "It was great." Nice, Posh Spice! Nothing like damning with faint praise.

Brooke Shields, the Princeton graduate added her subtle jab, proclaiming the wedding to be a thing of wonder ("It was wonderful", was what she actually said, but hey, I can imagine that it was the barbed kind of wonderful). Of course, Brooke was being followed around by no less than four thugs, I mean, bodyguards, according to an US Magazine source. One might ask - who hired them, and for the purpose of protecting whom? Or...what?

I'm pretty sure that US Magazine eventually got in on the act as well, publishing a photo of Katie looking oddly wistful as she stared out the window of the wedding's castle location, as if she were imprisoned in a medieval tower, and juxtaposing the fact that Giorgio Armani designed Katie's virginal gown with a story about the death of one of Armani's muses, Ana Carolina Reston, of anorexia (Armani has been accused of perpetuating the skinny-model mystique while tap-dancing on the grave of murdered designer Versace for having designed clothing meant for fat girls, or as he put it, "a body of a certain shape").

The question I have now is whether Katie was in on it, having chosen to dance with her new hubby for the first time as "man and wife" to "Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac (whose lyrics go, "I love you, like never before."

YC