I hate to have to do this

but sometimes I just have to have to have to talk about the stuff I read in the gossip rags. Like the number one gossip-raggy story on my mind now: Nicole Richie. If you stay away from the rags, then you may actually not realize that Nicole Richie has gone from scarily scarily underweight to just really really skinny in a matter of weeks and that there has been lots of talk about whether she had previously undergone some form of gastric bypass/lap band surgery that made her drop an enormous and unnecessary amount of weight, which surgery had now been reversed.

I'm going on record to say that I am absolutely, 100 percent believing the hype.

To all of those who say that Nicole could not possibly have gotten such surgery because she didn't "qualify" (because those who want the surgery must be morbidly obese or at least 100 pounds overweight in order to get a doctor to do the surgery)....to all of those naive believers in the notion that all doctors operate on some higher plane of ethics than other human beings in heeding their "first do no harm" oath....I laugh. A hearty hahahaha.

I scoff at the very idea that while a lawyer can be bribed, I mean paid, to defend a hardened criminal despite his belief in that criminal's guilt, a doctor would never compromise his ethics by performing unnecessary surgery on a patient willing to pay beaucoup bucks. For proof, I submit to you Exhibit A, Dr. 90210, the reality/docu-drama series on E! that shows plastic surgeons that never say "no" to anyone, no matter how insane the request. Exhibit B: The Cat Lady of Park Avenue, better known as Jocelyn Wildenstein, whose doctors willingly carved her face into that of the Lion King. Exhibit C: Michael Jackson. Exhibit D through G: men with plugs, penile enlargement surgery, vaginal rejuvenation and women with breast implants that take them to a cupsize larger than "DD". I'll stop there, although obviously, I could go on.

You want to tell me that there is no doctor in Beverly Hills who will perform a gastric bypass on a five-foot tall, 125 pound celebrity who wants to get down to 100 pounds? Then I want to tell you that there is no lawyer in America who would defend a mobster (and I am not counting public defenders). Of course, I also want to tell you how OJ WOULD have done it, IF he did it, and I am not saying he did. Speaking of things that may or may not have happened, how about that Holocaust? I, for one, believe that Santa Claus is real, and that he was totally responsible for it. Except for the part for which I hold the Tooth Fairy responsible.

Seriously, it would be like Katie and Tom's wedding, by which I mean, INcredible, UNbelievable and a thing of wonder, if there were no surgeon anywhere who could be persuaded to perform such a frivolous surgery.

Gastric bypass is like anything else. It can be bought. It just can. That's a given.

And in this case, it helps explain why Nicole was "trying" to gain weight but couldn't and was seeing doctors about the problem. It also explains why she stayed in the hospital only for a few days immediately before her weight started to go back up.

IF Nicole did it, this is how she would have done it. She would have found someone who was willing to do it, quietly, secretly and for a lot of money.

YC

P.S. I just remembered....when I was in the hospital for my boob and nose surgery in October, I was actually given a bed that was intended for lap band patients. It was HUGE, and it had a scale at the foot of it. Back in October, I didn't even know what lap band was. When I asked the nurse, she giggled and said that it wasn't for someone like me. Looking back, I just think it's kind of funny. Me, in a lap band bed. If I were in Hollywood, perhaps it would have actually been plausible.