Monday, August 06, 2007

At the risk of starting up a whole thaaaang,

I have to confess that I weighed 103 today. I know, I was freaked out too. It's not that it is so insanely low for a person of my height (5'1"), but that it was soooo much lower than I have seen in about five or six years. I stepped on the scale today, mostly out of discipline; I didn't want to look at the number as I haven't practiced yoga in a week, and somehow I believe that yoga is the be all and end all to staying slim, at least for me. So, there I was, muttering to the little but incredibly powerful sliver of steel and digits, "Please, don't be higher than 108," and I looked down and saw 103. I stepped on the scale several more times to see if I had done something wrong, or if I had seen the number wrong. Then I called the husband and asked him if he'd stepped on the scale today, and whether it was weighing unusually low. Yes, to the first, no to the second.

Anyway, it's not the biggest thing in the world. But I have to admit that I am happy to be back to what I weighed before I had kids (and after, until the year I got sick). And I have to say that even as I assumed that the number was in the vicinity of 107-110, I have been feeling very comfortable in my skin lately, much more so than usual. For example, last week, I found myself with a bit of time on my hands on day, and so I put on a bikini and sat outside for a while. This is something I could never do, even all by myself in a very private backyard, if I was not almost 100 percent comfortable with my body. And I have been wearing jeans lately - which is a sure sign of comfort with my body. If I am not nearly 100 percent comfy in my skin, I'm walking around in yoga pants. That's how you'll know.

What I am trying to say is that all that time, I was thinking the number on the scale was a little higher, and yet I was still very comfortable. Now that I know the number has been getting lower, it sort of explains it to me. It wasn't that I was comfortable with my body at 107-110. It's that I am now AT my comfortable weight.

Wow, still churning out the boring posts. I feel as if this post started out with the power to incite strong feelings. Things about weight and size always do. Then I just prattled on and on and on to the point where you're so bored, you have no energy be bothered by it at all.

Anyway, I am not sure why my weight dipped below 105 at this point. But I suspect it has to do with the fact that I am eating really healthy foods, preparing them myself so I know what's in them, not really eating all that much really (remember: I am menopausal, and my metabolism is WAY lower than most women of my age and size) and not really worrying about it beyond being mindful of getting what I consider to be enough of this, that and the other into my system. I am not counting lettuce leaves like the CR people. I am not shunning foods as "bad" like I used to (for example, I had Eggplant in Garlic Sauce at an Asian place the other night, which I would never have touched back even a few months ago when I was following all these good food/bad food rules about eating). I try to include fresh, organic avocado and fresh, young coconut into my diet, every day. I try to eat a few eggs per week and a few slices of cheese. I need my Dubble Bubble, and a few chocolate bars per week (Toblerone this past week, since because of the nose thing, I'm all about texture rather than taste, but normally Cadbury Dairy Milk or Green & Black's White).

I wonder if not doing any yoga has contributed - perhaps I have lost some muscle? Or perhaps all the House and Garden stuff I've been doing is really heavy duty, much more than I ever realized.

Anyway, I feel good at this weight, and I would like to stay here. But I don't want to obsess about it. I just want to keep doing what I have been doing.

If only I knew what that was; trouble is, I wasn't paying all that much attention.

YC

2 comments:

The Mindbender said...

I first heard from my flatmate that women tend to get very skinny when they are at the point where they have finished learning Primary and are working towards getting ready for Intermediate, and then they put weight on when they start Intermediate. I thought she was bonkers, and then I went through that exact same process, and observed other women going through it, too.

Which is not to say that this is what will happen to everyone, but that it seems to happen more often than to be classified as just my individual experience. I guess I'm saying it's statistically more probable than chance, but not significant enough as to make a general rule.

Ok, I've winded myself up in words again :-P

BUT, and this is a big but, maybe you could work on two fronts? On one hand, keep eating healthy and stay at the weight you'd like to be, but at the same time, work on letting go of the worry about your weight? Come on, I've never seen any picture of you where you looked anything other than thin, and yet you wouldn't wear a bikini by yourself?!?!? Don't you think it's a bit of a shame that you are limiting yourself so much?

Here is your homework: next time the scale goes up, get yourself in jeans for a week. Ideally, the smallest ones you can find so that you get a muffin top. Once you've been in them for a week and realized that the world hasn't stopped and nobody has stopped loving you for showing a bit of muffin top, you'll let go a bit.

Or so I think.

boodiba said...

I remember you saying that MB! Hasn't happened to me, though.

YC: one way to avoid obsessing about weight is to not check it too often. I haven't checked my weight in YEARS, and when (I used to have insurance and do this kind of thing) getting checkups I cover my eyes and ask them not to tell me.

I suppose it's obvious I had a problem in the past of being overly concerned with the numbers. Wasn't anorexic per se, not that skinny, but I checked my weight twice a day every day & the number controlled my mood.

That's just my personal solution - not to know the number.

Copyright 2005-2007 Lauren Cahn, all rights reserved. Photos appearing on this blog may be subject to third party copyright ownership. You are free to link to this blog and portions hereof, but the use of any direct content requires the prior written consent of the author.

About Me

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Northern Westchester, New York, United States
I live by a duck pond. I used to live by the East River. I don't work. I used to work a lot. Now, not so much. I used to teach a lot of yoga. Now not so much. I still practice a lot of yoga though. A LOT. I love my kids, being outdoors, taking photos, reading magazines, writing and stirring the pot. Enjoy responsibly.

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